Have a look at the example in red below. We've been working on creating variety in our writing through our handy (you see what I did there?) diagram:
In class we've worked on our vocabulary looking at:
Positive / Negative Vocabulary and how to create oxymoron.
Increasing our range of sophisticated vocabulary.
We've developed devices to add satire, irony and sarcasm to our writing:
Stating the Obvious
Descriptive Imagery
Making Comparissons
Hyperbole
Misdirection
Rhetorical Questions
With our sentence structures we've tried to use our skills creatively:
Varying Length
Complex Sentences with pivot in attitude.
Complex Sentences with embedded sarcastic clauses
Compound descriptive sentences leading to short high impact sentences with opinions
Our punctuation has become useful to achieve not just accuracy but effect:
Parenthetic commas, brackets and dashes
The Semi-Colon for extending imagery
The liberal use of exclamation marks.
Finally paragraphing draws our whole text together with:
Variety in length
Effective use of discourse markers.
So my challenge to you Year 11 is:
Read below and leave a comment:
What went well?
What could make this even better?
Can you remember that feeling of deep-seated panic when your
phone goes off in the cinema? The embarrassment of lifting the phone out of
your pocket to turn it off only to be illuminated in the pallid green glow of
shame and have your face melted by the glares of one hundred and fifty angry
Monster’s Inc fans (including the creepy middle aged man who doesn’t seem to
have brought children or a date). It’s hideous. It only has to happen once for
you to never want to own a phone again.
Here is the effective deterrent. Absorbing the ire of a multitude of strangers
clearly outweighs the crime of not turning your mobile off (off not silent) and
when the punishment is more severe than the crime, people tend to grow a moral
compass. This is what has happened since a Finnish designer at Nokia liberated
Alexander Graham Bell’s mouthpiece from the hall table and one unfortunate
consumer couldn’t find the off button in a screening of Jurassic Park.
Orange has a solution to this problem. To save us from the
embarrassment they make us sit through five minutes of excruciating
audio-visual hell.
Cue cringe-worthy puns, poorly thought out dialogue and the
most heinous crime of all: the solution to a problem that does not exist.
The premise: ‘Don’t let phones ruin your movie’.
Let’s examine that statement. The phone has never ruined a
film. One blast of Mozart’s 9th blared through the tinny speakers in
digital polyphonic beauty doesn’t distract me. I enjoy watching a person squirm
because all eyes are on them. The pain on their face is delightful. In fact,
I’m pretty sure the latest Bourne film would be very short without a mobile
phone. All witnesses would be dead and Jason Bourne would not have to
constantly evade the CIA because he would be untraceable. Generally, movies are
built around communication between sets of characters that 90% of the time
takes place on a mobile phone. Phones make movies.
The marketing meeting must have been brilliant for this
advert:
‘Hey – this product we sell, it ruins things – why don’t we
point it out?’
But behind this there’s a subversive attempt to sell us a
lifestyle ingrained deep within the advert, which is fantastically clever. It
builds a picture of the chief executive as a bumbling fool and the everyman
‘underling’ trying in vain to turn the situation around. The sinister twist is
we find ourselves identifying more with the boss than with the everyman. The
advert manipulates us into doubting our own intelligence, our own inbuilt
nature not to make a scene and our own natural morality in avoiding punishment.
The doubt sees our hand slowly creep towards our trousers like a toddler
desperate for a wee.
Bang. Then the advert really hits us; they present the most common
mobile phone ring tone out of sync with the advert sending hearts leaping
through mouths and hands shooting into pockets causing hours’ worth of
psychotherapy sessions because you can ‘feel the eyes on you’.
Exploiting humanities’ guilt complex is what I loathe. I
loathe it far more than the poorly constructed advert, dialogue, shots, puns
and message. I almost loathe it more than the feeling of being caught with your
phone on.
This advert is a fantastic piece of work, if you display a
deranged obsession with sadism. I can remember the deep-seated panic of when my
phone went off at the cinema and now I’m reminded of it every time I blow my
life savings on a film.
Orange – a phone didn’t ruin my movie: your advert ruined my
life.
+ comments + 6 comments
Sir is this alright I tried to improve it but I'm not sure about the ending? and also what band is it? and what else could i do to improve it? thankyou sorry
Adverts!
A facile technique service providers use to ‘lap up’ money - but a down right waste of time for the rest of us.
Supposedly, adverts are created to ‘catch’ the viewers eyes and ‘sell’ their product. However, for me it does the reverse. I can’t help but ask myself that if the product is so splendid ( which In my experience they are usually no better then the solid pound land copy) then why is advertising needed?
Yes adverts still have there supporters, the Barry’s and Jill’s of society, Yet that is usually because their stupidity out weights the shear tedious enthusiasm most adverts have to offer.
However, the actors need a round of a applause really.
I couldn’t take something as mundane as cleaning products and practically vibrate with the passion. Its unbelievable.
Take Barry and Jill for example. The main faces of the atrocious Cillit Bang advert.
Now where have we heard those names before?
Yet they somehow manage to keep the advert a float, merely through bogus bliss.
So the question is; do any of you have that feeling of utter dread when a certain mind blowing advert explodes onto your TV screen? One you can’t escape from. The kind that makes you want to score your eyes out permanently because of what you hope is a generous amount of makeup (rather then their actual face) only to find you can still hear the chirpy singing or talking that is penetrating your eardrums.
Well that’s how I feel after every impeccably pronounced word that parades out of Barry Scotts trap. Times 1000.
Yes it’s deadly.
The whole advert screams a sham. The shrieking of the lines. The robotic responses from the typical housewife Jill. Also I don’t think many bath tubs have that much grime and lime.
Or is that just me? Maybe not everyone has the time to keep on top of things - I guess its only me that doesn’t have the whole sewer system intercepting my bath tub. I like to get cleaner coming out the tub rather than the other way around. But I suppose that’s just me.
So how do we know Cillit bang even works?
The dunking of the copper plated penny, that Barry ‘loves’, certainly doesn’t help the cause.
Especially when considering you are advised not to use Cillit bang on copper.
Although after saying all that, it does work partially. The glossy polished surfaces is the proof that makes me question weather I want to obliterate Cillit Bang as much as I say.
But Barry Scott only needs to verbalize his opening line and my concerns evaporate. I know I’m thinking rationally.
“Hi my name is Barry Scott” Is apparently a cromulent opening line to an advert.
A simple yet sophisticated sentence. Well that’s what I was told.
Yes…. I’m so glad he told us his name. I wouldn’t buy it otherwise.
I really don’t understand the significant influence a name will have on the British public. Pointless.
Yes we still sit though unnecessary patronising adverts so some marketing director can feel beneficial. Why don’t you do us all a favour and instead of trying to make the advert ‘catchy’ make It interesting. Then after that we may not think:
Bang and that’s 30 seconds of my life wasted.
And may be thinking…
Bang and the dirt is gone.
Hi Ami,
A few little changes you could make. I'd choose a different set of names for your first Jill's and Barrry's and because of that your next rhetorical question won't work.
The punctuation below doesn't quite work. It needs either full stops or semi-colons. I am not sure if this is just a typo or not:
Yes adverts still have there supporters, the Barry’s and Jill’s of society, Yet that is usually because their stupidity out weights the shear tedious enthusiasm most adverts have to offer.
'...screams sham' is grammatically correct rather than 'a sham'.
Your 'so how do we...' to 'bang on copper' is on the same topic so think about paragraphing. Should it be one paragraph?
The last series of shorter paragraphs could also do with a little compacting. Try to only use a short paragraph between longer ones. It may be that you use the quote as a short paragraph and compact the and potentially get rid of Yes... as you are over-stating your point.
These points are all about achieving control of your writing.
Developing the structure of this piece is the icing on the cake that will help you secure the band you want.
Well done.
Oh and 'cromulent' is a made up word from the Simpsons :)
Thank you sir. is this what you mean?
Yes adverts still have there supporters; the Barry’s and Jill’s of society. Yet that is usually because their stupidity out weights the shear tedious enthusiasm most adverts have to offer.
then this paragraph?
So how do we know Cillit bang even works?The dunking of the copper plated penny, that Barry ‘loves’, certainly doesn’t help the cause.Especially when considering you are advised not to use Cillit bang on copper.
and then this
“Hi my name is Barry Scott” Is apparently a cromulent opening line to an advert.
A simple yet sophisticated sentence. Well that’s what I was told. I’m so glad he told us his name. I wouldn’t buy it otherwise. I really don’t understand the significant influence a name will have on the British public. Pointless.
or just the quote " hi my name is barry scott" then the rest of it in one paragraph?
and then on this bit shall I get rid of the yet or does it make sense? and I know I need to get rid of the question.
Take Barry and Jill for example. The main faces of the atrocious Cillit Bang advert.
Now where have we heard those names before?
Yet they somehow manage to keep the advert a float, merely through bogus bliss
thankyou sorry
Adverts!
A facile technique service providers use to ‘lap up’ money - but a down right waste of time for the rest of us.
Supposedly, adverts are created to ‘catch’ the viewers eyes and ‘sell’ their product. However, for me it does the reverse. I can’t help but ask myself that if the product is so splendid ( which In my experience they are usually no better then the solid pound land copy) then why is advertising needed?
Yes adverts still have there supporters; the Brian’s and Sandra’s of society. Yet that is usually because their stupidity out weights the shear tedious enthusiasm most adverts have to offer.
However, the actors need a round of a applause really.
I couldn’t take something as mundane as cleaning products and practically vibrate with the passion. Its unbelievable.
Take Barry and Jill for example. The main faces of the atrocious Cillit Bang advert. They somehow manage to keep the advert a float, merely through bogus bliss.
So the question is; do any of you have that feeling of utter dread when a certain mind blowing advert explodes onto your TV screen? One you can’t escape from. The kind that makes you want to score your eyes out permanently because of what you hope is a generous amount of makeup (rather then their actual face) only to find you can still hear the chirpy singing or talking that is penetrating your eardrums.
Well that’s how I feel after every impeccably pronounced word that parades out of Barry Scotts trap. Times 1000.
Yes it’s deadly.
The whole advert screams sham. The shrieking of the lines. The robotic responses from the typical housewife Jill. Also I don’t think many bath tubs have that much grime and lime.
Or is that just me? Maybe not everyone has the time to keep on top of things - I guess its only me that doesn’t have the whole sewer system intercepting my bath tub. I like to get cleaner coming out the tub rather than the other way around. But I suppose that’s just me.
So how do we know Cillit bang even works? The dunking of the copper plated penny, that Barry ‘loves’, certainly doesn’t help the cause.
Especially when considering you are advised not to use Cillit bang on copper.
Although after saying all that, it does work partially. The glossy polished surfaces is the proof that makes me question weather I want to obliterate Cillit Bang as much as I say.
But Barry Scott only needs to verbalize his opening line and my concerns evaporate. I know I’m thinking rationally.
“Hi my name is Barry Scott” Is apparently a adequate opening line to an advert.
A simple yet sophisticated sentence. Well that’s what I was told. I’m so glad he told us his name. I wouldn’t buy it otherwise. I really don’t understand the significant influence a name will have on the British public. Pointless.
Yes we still sit through unnecessary patronising adverts so some marketing director can feel beneficial. Why don’t you do us all a favour and instead of trying to make the advert ‘catchy’ make It interesting. Then after that we may not think:
Bang and that’s 30 seconds of my life wasted.
And may be thinking…
Bang and the dirt is gone.
My improved version. Sorry for worrying out of school hours :) Just making sure its okay
Good work Ami. I hope my feedback in class made sense to you.
Have a look on my Writing Skills MOT post for more ideas on how to ensure your writing reaches the top level in an exam without planning and notes sheets.
Post a Comment